Someone asked me how I have coped and dealt with the things life has thrown at me. I have never been a very religious person, but I firmly believe in karma. It has taken lots of time and growing up to learn that I cannot change the past. I know if I let myself stay miserable then I'll never make it anywhere in life. I've overcame many obstacles in my life, and I'm sure I'll keep going. The only thing I can change about any of this is how I reflect upon the past. My attitude is the only thing I can change. Despite having so many bad things etched into my memory, I try to remember positives too. Part of this blog is to try to reflect on the positive parts because they are hard to remember for me.
The current relationship I have with my mother & brother are quite different. My brother has been through a lot, and I'll never understand most of it. He has worked many jobs, collects SSI, treats women as a piece of meat, and has never been to jail. After he was 18 he took off and ended up at a homeless shelter in Flint without any meds. He decided for whatever reason that he didn't need any of the meds that doctors had spent 10 years getting just right. Due to his violent, explosive nature I haven't spent much time with him since we were teens. There have only been a few times I have seen him. One time was just before last Christmas, it was the first time we had ever cooperated long enough to go in together to get our mother a Christmas present, which she didn't like in the end. Shortly after he decided that I was a horrible person for my life choices and threatened to come shoot me in my apartment. I called the city cops to report the threat so it was at least on file, they informed me that if he shows up to give them a call back! Luckily he never followed through with his threat, and I think he's forgotten about it since. I haven't spoken to him in nearly a year; I doubt that we ever could have much of a relationship. I can never understand where his anger stems from or why he does what he has. I have heard things about him due to living in the same town; like that he was on steroids. I have heard from my father of how racist he is, being very offensive last summer in front of my uncle, who is black and been part of our family since before we were ever born. I have heard from my half-sister how hateful he was towards our infant nephew. I feel sorry for him, but I have to look out for myself too.
My mother is a very rocky road. In general she still treats me the same way as when I was growing up. She still snips at me sometimes and carries a demanding tone of voice on the phone. I am not comfortable trying to initiate a conversation with her, as she carries this attitude that leaves me feeling worse than before I had spoken with her a majority of the time. Since I had moved out our relationship has gone through some phases. When I first moved out she would find random boxes of things that belonged to me and want me to take them home. She would get other things for me, such as towels and clothes that I didn't need. I finally had to tell her that although I appreciated the thought, I really don't need anything else. It was lukewarm, with few conversations for a few years. When I had a horrible situation and asked her for help, she turned her back on me. I have tried to forgive since but it’s difficult. In the last year since my nephew was born (sister's baby) my mother has wanted me around a lot more. She told me one time that I'm useless unless I have a baby. She has never supported me going to school for a degree, instead she believes I should have had a baby and done nothing with my life. It’s hard sometimes when I'm struggling with my own thoughts of the future. I just keep trying my best, in the end I know that I'll be a better mother one day; I'll love my child and tell them that every single day. I cannot remember ever hearing those words out of her mouth.
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